When I first heard about cryptocurrency, I thought of that scary old TV series, Tales from the Crypt. A crypt is where you lay dead people to rest. This led me to associating crypto currency with death. I thought, “Another dead currency like the dollar.” Well, the dollar isn’t dead yet, but it’s bleeding a lot. If you don’t believe me, then compare the price of a 30 lb. watermelon I bought yesterday for $20 with the price I would have paid in 1967, which is ninety cents.

I got out my Webster’s and looked up the word crypt just so I could be accurate with this post. A crypt is an underground vault or chamber, often the basement of a church, often where the dead are laid to rest. Ok. I was a little off but not much.

Just a few entries down the page from the one for crypt, was an entry for the word “crypto.” I had to check it out and I’m glad I did as it gave me a whole new perspective on this new kind of money they are pushing. “Crypto,” it turns out, means hidden or secret. Cryptocurrency is hidden or secret currency. Where will it be hidden? I can tell you that it won’t be hidden under your mattress.

Now, I’m a down to earth knda’ guy, if you know what I mean. I like to have the cash in my pocket, even though I know that it’s currently not worth much. Real money is gold or silver or some other tradeable good. The paper we have in our wallets is supposed to represent those goods and be tradeable for them. Unfortunately, though it is still tradeable, our paper is only backed by a promise someone made to pay off a debt. So, when you get to talkin’ about secret money, money that is represented in a computer by the dots and dashes of tiny electrons that I can’t see, I have to ask, “Who or what is that currency hidden from?”

Some, especially the crypto-nuts, will say it is hidden from the government and anyone else who wants to spy on you. Horse patooey! I would like someone to name one place on earth, one little secret that the government and their spy agencies or that the uber rich with their ability to hire any number of gumshoes or hackers, just one little secret none of those listed above don’t know. Just one. I thought so.

My hackles went up when I heard they mine crypto currencies. Mine them? On a computer? And it takes a lot of energy to do that? Energy that costs a lot of money? What the hell? I don’t understand it. A currency that is mined with a computer at great expense and represented by a number of electrons, secret from the government and any other prying eyes is going to be the savior of the human race and our freedom? Horse patooey! I can get electrons for free by walking barefoot across the yard or scuffing my feet on a carpet and you better not get too close when I do that or you’ll get paid with some of my excess electrons.

Another problem I have with turning my cash into secret electrons floating in a secret space is, what happens if the power ever got shut off? Do they have a concrete, physical ledger somewhere so those electrons that disappeared can be restored to their rightful owner? Hmm. I think not. Also, what if whoever is in charge of these electrons doesn’t like what I’m doing or saying. Would they shut off my ability to access my electrons so I couldn’t use that little chip embedded in my hand to buy groceries? For the answer to that question, I refer you to Justin Trudeau and the truckers who opposed his policies and got their money cut off by his order. Case closed.

Another question I have about these electrons- who’s going to get paid? As it is now, when we use a credit or debit card, there is a fee that goes to the bank that issued that card. Those banks make billions of dollars a year doing the hard work of pushing keys on a keyboard to move electronic dollars from one account to another. Why, they use as much energy as someone out there doing real work! What kind of fee is there going to be when our money is all electrons? Who will get the fees? I would say that both the government and the banks will have a hand in it, but that’s just my opinion.

I don’t know about you, but I like my currency to be either a tangible asset or backed by a tangible asset. I don’t want a wad of electrons I can’t see or feel stored secretly and controlled by someone I don’t know. I want to have the ability to exchange any paper I have for something tangible such as gold. By the way, what happened with the audit they were going to give Fort Knox and some of the other depositories where the country’s gold is kept? Do we still have any gold?