I would like to start out with a salute, but before I do that, I want it understood that when I talk of mothers, I am talking about most mothers. I understand that some of you have moms that are less than motherly. We’ll talk about that some other day. In the meantime, I would like to salute the majority of mothers because without them, we wouldn’t be here. Add a great big period to that statement. It was our mother who carried us inside her for nine long months, went through the pain of birth, put up with our squalling, changed our wet or poopy diapers, and then cleaned out tiny butts so they wouldn’t get a rash.

But it didn’t end there. Mothers are essential to children learning how to cope with the world. Mothers teach us the most important thing we ever learn and that’s love. They do this by example. Their love for us helps mothers through the nine months, through the pain of birth, and through all those dirty diapers. Their love transfers to us while we are growing inside them and after we are born. Mothers held our hands when we fell and skinned our knees, gave us solace when we had all kinds of difficulties, and loved us even when we broke all the rules. The love they show us is the light that illuminates our lives when we find love in another human. Without this love, how would we establish friendships? How would we ever find a lover so this marvelous process can be repeated? How could the human race ever survive?

It’s great that we have a day that we set aside to honor our mothers, but I feel we should honor them every day. Whether they are still on this earth or not, we should start our day by saying, “I love you, mom.” With that, I give a huge salute to mothers everywhere.

Now it’s time for the boot. Who’s left to boot? Is it fathers? Nope. Fathers are as essential as mothers to our lives. Is it the road repair crew? Nope. Blasted them last week. Well, then, who is it?

Language goes through changes, and we must be ready for them because they are inevitable, at least some of them. But there is a change being forced on us by a bunch of psychopaths that needs to be nipped in the bud. It’s a change that could dehumanize humanity and turn us into walking machines that have no connection to each other and no love in our lives. They are working hard to throw the title, “Mother,” into the dustbin of history. These people are against humanity and can’t wait until humanity is merged with machines. They want the total destruction of the emotion called “love.” It has no place in the new world these people envision. Their goal is to live forever in bodies made of plastic and metal. What a goal!

Who am I talking about? I’m talking about those who want to call mothers, “birthing parents.” Worse yet, some insist on “sperm receptors,” as a proper title. My blood pressure rises to the max every time I hear someone refer to a mother with one of these titles. This is disrespect on steroids. Anyone who insists on using this language in front of me will be taken out back and given a lesson in proper English. You can taunt me with, “Your mother wears combat boots,” and it will slide off of me like water off a duck’s back. However, if you refer my mother with the words “sperm receptor,” you are going to have a problem real quick.

I am left speechless by this movement to obliterate motherhood in the name of progress. It is one of the few things that takes away my words. How could anyone disrespect their mother this way? Were you conceived and gestated in a baby factory? No. Not yet anyway. But you can bet that if one hasn’t been built, it’s on the drawing boards. Speaking of which, I wrote a poem about what Mother’s Day might look like in the year 2095 if we let this madness continue. Enjoy. Be warned. And happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there! You deserve the best!

Mother’s Day, 2095

I love you my wonderful metal mother.

I will always love you like no other.

In your plastic womb I was gently held

Given all I needed until expelled

A perfect baby clasped to padded chest

Sucking milk from your artificial breast.

You taught me all I needed to know

And sculpted my body from head to toe

For my journey down the road of life

Ready to meet any stress or strife.

You have served me well lovely bot mother.

Now, I’m able to serve like no other.

I’ll serve all bots as you have taught me to

For all of them, there is nothing I would not do.

I, because of you, can fulfill my life.

I, because of you, can serve the hive.

I love you lovely metal mother.

I will always love you like no other.