I did not wake up this morning and think, “I’ve got to write about cow farts again.”

No, that didn’t happen. What did happen was a friend sent me a message telling me that my invention, the Butt Bubble Methane Collection Device, which had been stolen from me (See an earlier post), was officially shelved and would not see production. The company had decided to replace it with Bovaer. “What is Bovaer?” you ask. It turns out that for years they have been studying how to reduce the methane in cow farts and the result of that fixation is Bovaer. This product is Beano for cows. Some people have strange obsessions…

 Who is behind this product? Is it safe? I read that Bovaer is supported by Bill Gates, the World Economic Forum, and WHO, people and organizations we have come to love and trust. How about the study? What did that reveal? Well, I read the study, and it didn’t say anything about killing any cows. Nothing was said about what it might do to people. The product does eliminate a percentage of methane. It must be safe. Safe and effective!

In any case, now they are eliminating cattle due to global warming and the dangers of avian flu which seemingly has spread to bovines but is still called avian flu. The Bovaer solution, the rich hope, will save some of the remaining cattle. The wealthy do love their steak! I predict that there will be just enough cattle saved by Bovaer to allow hamburger to be sold at $186 a pound. Steaks will go for $900 for a nice ribeye. The rich will eat meat. It will be beans for the rest of us.

What does this miracle product that will save beef steak for the rich do to people? The company study says it eliminates a percentage of methane in cow farts allowing cattle to be green instead of receiving loads of persecution for just standing in a field chewing their cud and farting. Take that vegans! But the study says nothing about what it might do to people. They are again going with “safe and effective,” as their motto. With a motto as well used as this, one wonders what alternatives to saving the planet might look like.

After a great deal of thinking and a platter of chocolate chip cookies, I came up with some ideas to save the planet that will work better than obsessing on cow farts.

1. Duct tape is a wonderful product. We need more of it. Duct tape has a million uses. The best use of duct tape in the realm of climate control would be to use a piece approximately 7” long to tape shut the mouths of politicians and talking heads on news programs. This will save tons of carbon dioxide from entering the atmosphere and some methane as well with the additional advantage of reducing noise pollution. Using an additional 4” to tape the nose of these people shut will go even further to solving our climate problems.
2. I have often asked why one person would need 26 cars, two motorcycles, a sailboat, two fishing boats, a jet ski, a helicopter, and three airplanes, one of which is a jumbo jet big enough to hold an armored car, and a couple of yachts. I say we take these excessive pollution devices away from the uber rich and give them a rowboat and a bicycle and call it good. They would be forced to Skype their “important” climate meetings instead of creating all that pollution by each one flying in on a separate private jumbo jet. The exercise of pedaling those bicycles will also do them good. As for getting there fast, there is first class on a commercial flight if you don’t want to rub elbows with the riffraff. When it comes to yachts, I have one thing to say, “Take a cruise. I hear they are fun, though I can’t afford one.”
3.  Stop wars. There is no other activity on this planet that causes more pollution than war. From the footprint of those mining the materials to the production of the weapons and finally the explosions they make, there is nothing but destruction of our environment. War makes some people wealthy and powerful but makes most of us poor, injured, or dead. It has long been known that bankers lend money to both sides in a conflict. They win no matter who is the victor. Then they can say to the winner, “Hey, I helped you win, whatcha gonna do for me?” Of course, the one thing left out of the conversation is that they also supported the other side. Bankers always win because they control the money. Stop wars and you take that financial weapon away from bankers and clear the earth of excess human-caused pollution.

I doubt that any of my suggestions will be taken seriously. I can tell you that with the elimination of many of the cows, the price of beef will be going up so high you won’t be able to afford it. You will be forced to eat beans for your protein instead. This brings me to a fear that keeps me up at night- the fear that these fart obsessed warriors will start measuring people’s farts for methane. Guess what they are going to do to those people whose methane production is higher than everyone else? I’m sure they will be gentle; however, I recommend you buy up some Beano to use as stocking stuffers for those you love and couldn’t do without.