A word of explanation before I start. I used the word, “Exciting,” in my title because that is what the algorithm says will make people stop and look at your piece. The exclamation mark is used for the same reason. Only time will tell if this works. If it doesn’t work, I’m firing my publicity guru and cancelling my marketing class.
The excitement of these times requires that we be informed. Since our current news outlets have devolved into a mass of squashed talking heads with bulging eyes who apparently are unable to do real reporting, I say time for a new news outlet, one that actually reports, is truthful, and does not try to bully you into thinking what they say is the only way to look at events.
The title of my news outlet is going to be, “Squirrely Times,” in honor of P’nut the squirrel whose misfortune single handedly tipped the scale for Trump in the election. It burns my butt that in a city where murders, assaults, and armed robbery are measured by the hour, they took the time and money to get a search warrant and rounded up ten officers to serve the warrant and capture the illegally held rodent and his friend Raccoon. After an officer claimed to have been bitten, they executed the furry pair so they could cut open their brains to see if they had rabies. Thus, the life of the internet was extinguished along with the small family business that had started around this stellar squirrel. Meanwhile, an assault, a carjacking, and two armed robberies went without investigation. Praise the police department in charge for their choice to pursue the heinous crime of keeping and illegal rodent while ignoring other crimes to do so. Priorities are so important…
People across the country were outraged and upset. They blamed the murder of the tiny rodent and his friend on the Democratic administration. Not only did this give Trump the push he needed to win, it also gave the Senate to the Republicans as well. My shorts were in a twist, too. That’s why my new news outlet is named after this little warrior for freedom. May he be remembered forever. I welcome investors to help sponsor this news outlet as long as they do not try to manage the content. Guest commentators are welcome no matter what their views. Be advised, the Squirrely Times will give it to you straighter than the magic bullet that killed Kennedy. No squirreling around in this news outlet!
This next business idea might have you calling me an opportunist, but when .opportunity presents itself, where are you going to be tomorrow if you don’t grab it and hold on? This business will fill a gap and provide greatly needed resources to combat a new health crisis afflicting thousands of Americans. A new chain of treatment centers will arise. I plan to help meet this medical challenge and fight the scourge that is ravaging our nation.
Since this is a medical based business and I lack a medical degree, I will be accepting applications from certified medical personnel. You go to the top of the list if you are legally allowed to prescribe antidepressants and sedatives. We will be opening up treatment centers in all blue states immediately, and in red states as needed until we can get a handle on TDS, a condition that takes a heavy toll on those who have it and has spiked significantly since the election.
TDS is a psychological affliction combined with physical manifestations. People suffering from this condition tend to have distorted facial features and cry a lot. They have been known to bang their heads into walls or roll around on the floor screaming while their arms and legs twitch violently. They need help, not condemnation. We must treat them gently as we lead them back to a healthy condition.
There is a pot of money to be made and many people who desperately need our help. That’s why I’m putting in everything I have left after paying my bills- $32.64. Anyone want to join me in this humanitarian quest? We’re going to need a little more to get started.
I hope that any of you looking forward to a better news outlet and to saving those with TDS will buy into this once in a lifetime business opportunity.