I did not write a column last week. I also missed finishing my adventures in Foodland where I nearly bought the farm. I’m sorry. Hopefully, after reading this you will understand and forgive me. You will also understand what flute music has to do with cow pies. I am always on board to educate.

It all started a couple of months ago when I was unable to file my income tax online because I did not have the Social Security EIN (Employer Identification Number) and the software I was using refused to send in my return unless this number was on it. I checked with their help desk, which was as useful as a thumb in your eye. I called the SS office near me only to find they were even less helpful: “We don’t give that number out.” I finally just printed out the form and sent it snail mail believing that all was well and I would get my refund check a little later than I had supposed. Instead, a letter was sent to me a few weeks later saying my return was incomplete and I needed to resubmit two of the forms. No guidance was offered on what exactly was missing. It took me several days before I was able to figure it out and resend the forms.

I just got this one figured out when my insurance company hit me with my bill. Car insurance had gone up considerably despite no tickets, accidents, or DUIs. My house insurance went up drastically despite only ever filing one claim last century. That followed a huge leap the year before. So, I decided to seek out another insurance company. I found one that was a lot cheaper. I signed up and thought that was in good hands. A few days later, I got a text with a link to an app where I was supposed to take pictures of my house. This was not mentioned before, and no other company had ever asked me to do this. I complied anyway thinking they just wanted to make sure the house they were insuring was not falling down.

A few days later, I got a call from my insurance company. My roof, it seems, had tiles lifting up, had been improperly repaired, had an alarming amount of granular loss, and was being endangered by a tree branch hanging over it. All this from a few pictures from a phone. They wanted receipts for the work or the results of an inspection on company letterhead. I removed the branch and took a picture to send. The branch was maybe 1” in diameter. Lotta potential damage there. I had a company inspect the roof and give me a form, which they did without charge, God bless them. Their take was that the roof was ok but needed some moss removed and should be reinspected in 3 years and replaced in 6-7 years.

This was not good enough for the company. They chose to be persnickety. The roofer didn’t directly address the granular loss or the lifting tiles. I called him to plead for another letter. He told me they were jacking me around and to get another insurance company. I called the insurance company and they threatened to cancel my insurance. They said the “law” was explicit in this matter of directly addressing their concerns. I offered to get another inspection. They said the “law” did not allow this. I said, “Thank you for teaching me the meaning of the word persnickety. Cancel my insurance.” Cow pies!

So now I have to get another insurer. Already I have found out that my pellet stove will prevent some companies from offering me insurance. This all came to a head last week. I won’t even mention my dealings with the DMV, my health insurance company, or my phone carrier I called to ask why my plan was now charging me enough to fill my living room with dollar bills. Cow pies! Big, juicy cow pies!

Yes, I was on the phone a lot and heard my share of flute music. To be fair, it wasn’t always flute music. Sometimes it was elevator music, you know, the music that’s supposed to lift you up and make you feel hopeful. If you’re angry, it will soothe you so that the customer service rep won’t have such a hard time with you. Cow pies! I can tell you that if I never hear that soothing voice telling me the company is experiencing an unexpected call volume and wants me to hold because my call is important to them, it will be too soon. Cow pies!