What does this article have to do with the price of beans? If you stick to the end, I’m sure you will figure it out.

My steak and hamburger have been hanging on the edge of danger since they decided to move us away from meat and serve bugs, fake meat, and lab grown meat on our plates. My mind shifted into overdrive to think of a solution to stop this from happening. It’s possible that if you prevent the methane from being farted out, there will be no reason to get rid of meat animals. An idea started to form in my mind.

After I read an article stating that our pets, especially our dogs, fart methane, too, my mind did a double flip. The article said the WEF (World Economic Forum). (Who the hell elected these people at the WEF, WHO, and all these other alphabet groups who tell us how we will live?) proclaimed pets emit too much methane. Because of this and the pawprint our pets make just living, they want us to get rid of them. I felt like I was smacked hard, right in the solar plexus. I jetted over to Google to see if this was true. Three sites at the top of the first page said that the article was hooey: Fact Check, Reuters, and PolitiFact. Knowing that these sites always get everything right, at least for the moment, I was a little relieved. They’re experts, you know. Yet, knowing the way things are, it did seem a future possibility, so I doubled down on my efforts to create a solution.

I originally planned my solution for cows, but I figured I could downsize it later to fit pets. I’m not sure how cats would feel about wearing the contraption. People might be able to use it in a pinch, but the space it uses might cause crowding in elevators. I call it the BBMSM- Butt Bubble Methane Sequester Machine. Basically, it captures farts and compresses them into a cylinder that can be easily removed and replaced. The machine is positioned on the posterior using a series of nylon straps with Velcro fasteners. With slight alterations to your gas stove, the methane in the cylinders is available for cooking. It’s also great when used for heating as well. I even adapted some of the cylinders to fit my pellet gun for target practice.

I twisted the arm of a friend of mine who owns some cows until he let me borrow one of his cows for a trial run. Boy was I stoked when I saw how well it worked. In just a couple of days I captured enough methane to power my pellet gun for target practice. My friend was happy, too, because he worried the globalists would exterminate his herd to save the earth. That was the argument I used to persuade him to lend me one of his cows. Worked like a charm!

Well, the next thing on the agenda was to prepare the paperwork for a patent which I hastily submitted to the patent office. It seemed to take forever, but after the wait, I received a letter from the office. To my dismay, they denied the application saying there was already a patent for a machine just like mine. There are no words that can describe my disappointment.

After I finished feeling sorry for myself, I decided to look up the patent and see who owned it. The research took some time, but I finally found the schematics and everything. It looked almost like my machine! What the heck? Was there a traitor among my friends and family? Did the Deep State quietly break in and photograph my plans? Or were they able to just suck them out of my head (I heard DARPA has been working on reading minds for years)?

So, I checked out the patent holder and the name printed there turned out to be the name of a shell company without the time to answer their phone so I could ask who owned them.

Well, since my rejection at the patent office, I’ve been thinking. First of all, I think Bill Gates or another of those rich guys owns the patent for my machine and they won’t bring it into production unless it’s too expensive for the average person to buy. Second, cows fart, and they want to get rid of them. Pets fart and I’m sure they are next. Third, who else farts and what do you think they will do with them?

We might be able to put this off, so my advice to all of you out there is- don’t eat the beans.