It’s not often a single word can trigger me. I have constructed a skin tough as a titanium shield that keeps me in my zone while deflecting any words that might disturb me. My goal is to stay mellow and unaffected by all the nonsense that infests our society these days. By doing this I hope to avoid physical indications of stress such as ulcers and heart attacks. I intend on occupying this body as long as possible though I do reject having it replaced by such constructions as are being made these days to replace the body so the brain or spirit as you wish to call it can live forever.

In this mode, I went to breakfast a few years ago to satisfy my need to fill the empty spot between my ribs. I had invited my old friend, Vice President Biden, whom I had viewed on television many times and thus had become friends not knowing he was soon to become president. However, he forgot the time of our meeting, I was told later.

Since I didn’t like having breakfast alone, I invited President Trump, who at that time was just Mr. Trump. Our friendship started with his TV show where I admired the way he fired people who didn’t fit his brilliant specifications. He didn’t show up. His advisors told me he didn’t like the restaurant I had chosen, one that specialized in organic food, and was taking his breakfast at a McDonald’s near the White House so he could keep an eye on how they were running things. I heard later that the information he gathered from this foray led him to the conclusion that everyone who occupied that center of government should be fired.

In any case, due to all the events going on I was not able to find anyone of sufficient nobility to accompany me to breakfast, so I was left with an empty stomach that had to be filled without any satisfactory company.

The incident that tangled my intestines into such a knot as only Alexander the Great who untangled the Gordian Knot could have resolved, though his clever and efficient methods would have resulted in my abrupt exit from this earth, happened to me alone. Unfortunately, there were no witnesses to this disturbing event. The reader will just have to count on my honesty in relation to this story.

It all started at the restaurant with the waitress, which my AI tells me is a sexist term and urges me to use, “server,” which I shall decline because of tradition. The waitress handed me a menu and asked if I wanted coffee. I said I did and then she uttered that word that put my brain in turmoil, “perfect.” When she enunciated it, she drew out the word, so it sounded more like the noise a cat makes when it is happy. I then returned the menu to her as I already knew I wanted the Farmer’s Scramble plate which is my favorite as it includes potatoes, bacon, sausage, cheese and bits of pepper which I like.

“Are you ready to order?” she asked.

I then gave her my order, and my ears were the recipient of that noxious word once more. This time it was accompanied by a bat of her eye lids, which annoyed me greatly as I suspected the motion of her eye lids was directed more at my wallet than at me. By the time she returned with my breakfast, my brain was as scrambled as the eggs on the plate. I knew that word would be uttered at least once more, and it was. She asked me if I needed anything else and I shook my head to avoid any verbal statement that would result in the use of that word. Unfortunately, my dear readers, in response to my head nodding, she uttered it anyway. Despite this word hitting me straight in the gut, I was famished enough to finish my breakfast.

Since this incident that happened many years ago, I have heard this wretched word spread throughout the retail world so that even auto parts clerks use it. No one is perfect. Nothing is perfect and if anything were, it would be intolerably boring and of no interest to anyone. The word’s widespread usage has rearranged my brain and caused intense regret that I have been born. It is a state I’m sure my friend Elon Musk would like to study, though I would resist his putting his mind enhancing computer chip into my head to straighten things out.

I am hoping that readers will share this article so that, though the verbiage is unwieldy and imprecise, it will alert others to the danger we face with the use of this word in our everyday speaking. I know that a lawsuit could be the result of what I have said here but as my words are impoverished, any well-informed plaintiff will understand that my bank account is also in the same mess and suing me would be a waste of time.