Well, here we are after Christmas belching and farting from all the food we gobbled down. Santa is garaging his sleigh and letting the elves off until after the New Year. The argument over whether or not it’s OK to say, “Merry Christmas,” has been shelved for a time while those who got presents, not necessarily because they were good, enjoy them before they break or are put in a closet somewhere.

I have a kitchen full of dirty dishes and miscellaneous garbage that was supposed to have been cleaned up by the elves. I heard my Bluetooth doorbell ringing last night-both of them. The problem is that they are great at announcing company, but difficult to turn off. I believe they scared away the elves that were supposed to clean up my kitchen. The doorbells insisted I give them bones for their good work but neither of them volunteered to clean up the mess unless all of it was edible.

I talked to Santa about this and asked if the elves could make a return trip to my kitchen. His answer was, “Ho, ho, ho!” He then showed me a pic on his phone of his sleigh just before it was towed into the shop for repairs. One of the runners was curled at an odd angle and the other was missing a piece. The compartment that held gifts was full of holes while the back was hanging by a thread. Santa told me that when his wife saw this damage it filled her with dread. He then showed me a pic of his reindeer. Rudolf had his nose blown off. Prancer lost part of his rack. Dancer’s rear was grazed by a rocket and the rest suffered with PTSD from all the blow back.

“In addition,” he said with a frown, “My reindeer are developing Alzheimer’s from all the nano aluminum they have been spraying around. I don’t know what I’m going to do next year. The future seems bleak. I wish that all my people would get a clue and begin to speak. We need to remove the chattel from their thrones, but that won’t happen until the people stop staring at their phones.”

My audience with Santa ended with a sigh. It was clear he and his reindeer are targets, just like you and I.